Sirius' Great Plan
by xwyver
Summary: MMWPP era. James is depressed when Lilly turns him down again. Sirius decides to cheer him up. However, Remus is dead-set against it. Who will win? First fanfic, be nice. R
1. Beginning of Havoc and Mayhem

**This is just a stupid thing that I came up with the other day. I'd like reviews, just not too harsh. Please.  
****Nothing belongs to me (unfortunately) They are all the respected works of J.K. Rowling. Boo.**

The Gryffindor common room was not the most wonderful place to be in at midnight, but there was something about it that appealed to James Potter, especially when he was depressed

The Gryffindor common room was not the most wonderful place to be in at midnight, but there was something about it that appealed to James Potter, especially when he was depressed. He sat ­­­­­­­on a beanbag, staring moodily into the dying embers of the fire, trying to block out Sirius Black, who was frantically jumping around, clutching his throat.

Remus Lupin was standing behind James, watching Sirius's torture, with a slight smile of amusement.

"James, don't you think you can't take off that Langlock curse off him now? I'm sure he's suffered enough." Remus asked, though it was obvious he was finding it amusing.

"No, he hasn't. Why was he teasing me about it, eh? Whatever have I done to him? I'm going to keep that curse on him for ages, and I'll make him suffer for everything he's said to me," snarled James giving Sirius a dirty look.

"Please, James, do it for me," Remus said.

James sighed reluctantly and pointed his wand at Sirius, muttered something and glowered at him.

Sirius stood up, his face pale as he breathed in a great lungful of air.

"James, I'm saying this as your best mate, Lilly Evans had never had an interest in you. Got that so far? And then cursing Snivelly was not the best thing to do in front of her. Give up. She hates you!" he laughed, ducking to get away from the curse that James had been aiming at him.

"That's it," James yelled, "The day that I miss a hex that's aimed at Sirius Jay Black is the day that I lose it." And with that he stomped up he stairs towards the dormitory.

Sirius grinned. "You do know that we'/re going to have to cheer him up? And I've got the best idea!"

Remus sighed. Sirius was obviously about to cause havoc and mayhem.


	2. Detentions and Traumas

"No

"No."

"But, Moony, please?" begged Sirius, pulling a puppy face.

"No."

"Why not?"

"I'll give you a couple of reasons. 1) James will hate you. Forever. 2) Lilly will hate you even more than she currently does, which would be a record, in my opinion. 3) You're disturbing me. 4) I need to take notes, so I, at least, can pass my exams. 5) If I don't take notes, then who is? How will you lot pass without me taking notes?" Remus hissed.

Sirius stopped, as if to ponder this. "Yeah, but it's only History of Magic. I mean, you can always get notes off Lilly, can't you?"

Remus sighed, and put away his quill. It was obvious that he wasn't going to get any work done in this lesson. "I don't want to ask Lilly, because I don't want to annoy Lilly with the tedious problems that I have to suffer everyday. Will you stop bugging me now?"

"Aha!" Sirius said, quite a bit louder than he wanted.

Binns looked up from an exceedingly boring pile of parchment about the Centaur Acts. "Yes, Mr Blane?"

"Oh no, Sir," replied Sirius silkily. "I was just reminding Mr Lupin to be silent during a lesson."

Binns looked over his glasses at Remus. "You heard Mr. Blame, Mr Loopy-" but he couldn't get any further. A great shout of laughter came from the class, particularly from the Slytherin side of the room. Lilly, who was sitting next to Snape was the only person not to laugh, as she nudged him in the ribs.

Remus had turned bright red. James, who was sitting next to Peter in front of Remus and Sirius, turned around to glower at the Slytherins in general and Snape in particular. He lifted his wand and whispered something. Snape was on the floor laughing loudly, holding his sides. "Stop," he said, his voice coming out in short gasps. "Please-stop-I-I'm-begg-ing." Punctured between his words was laughter.

Binns stared at him. "Please, Mr Stake, you are causing a scene and disturbing our lesson. Get up."

Lilly stood up. "James Potter, take that off him now! Do you hear me?"

James glared up at her, but said nothing.

"James! Do you hear me?"

James scowled. He turned his back on her, but there was hurt in his eyes.

This just seemed to aggravate Lilly even more. "Take it off him! Are you listening to me?"

James whispered something to Remus, who said, "He said he can hear you, he can't help that, and it's just that he doesn't want to."

All the time, Professor Binns was trying to speak, but in between Lilly's yelling, Snape laughing, and the Gryffindors (minus Lilly) and half the Slytherins sniggering at Snape, he wasn't heard. He floated out of the room, but nobody noticed him.

A few minutes later, he floated back. The door opened with a loud bang, and on the threshold stood Professor McGonagall, looking more furious than they had ever seen her.

"Everybody, get back to your seats. Miss Evans, stop screaming. Everyone, stop laughing. What happened to Mr Snape? Mr Potter, I suggest you take that off him now. The whole class has got detention."

Lilly looked up furiously. "_All_ of us, professor?"

McGonagall looked at them, with a slightly softer expression. "Yes, all of you. Goodbye."

The class sat in silence for a few seconds.

"And so, the Wand of Destiny's trial ran cold then, and it has not resurfaced yet. In 1327, however-"

And the class settled back in stupor.


	3. Notes and Buttocks

James was still depressed

James was still depressed. Sirius was still desperate for his plan to go on. As a matter of fact, as far as he was concerned, it was all systems go, plan full steam ahead. Just as soon as Remus said yes, the plan was already well on its way.

During Transfiguration, he started sending notes to Remus

(_Remus Lupin- Italics_

**Sirius Black- Bold Underlined**

_Peter Pettigrew- Italics underlined)_

**Hey Moony**

_Sirius, I have no idea how exactly you have the confidence to send me notes, after you landed me and the whole class in detention with your crazy antics. _

**Easy, Moony, very easy. Anyway, will you help me with my brilliant plan to help old Jamsie-poo?**

_No. No. No. James is depressed, I agree, but you will not make him any better. You will only depress him even more._

**You know, Moony, my old friend, I'm going to have to make you see that I, the great Sirius Black, am right, as always.**

_I quiver with fear. And I am not being sarcastic._

**-sarcastic- That makes a nice change. –sarcastic-**

**Sirius, I really was beings ****serious**** solemn**

**You weren't being Sirius. I am Sirius. The great Sirius Jay Orion Bl-**

_Sirius, we know you._

**Shhh, my good friend. Us conspirators must keep our secrets quiet from all narcissistic, sadistic, and evil Slytherins. And James. **

_What do you want us to do?_

_Peter! No, we cannot, and will not agree with him_

_Why not?_

_Because he will send everyone crazy with whatever he's planning. _

_But if we don't, what if he does something to us?_

_Then we'll do something back, won't we?_

_But, remember the last time we did that? I had a massive scar on my buttock and I couldn't sit for a week_

_Time heals. We can't help it if-Why's he just sitting there._

_I dunno_

_That's not normal for Sirius, is it? He's usually the one telling us to liven up and stop sitting so dully. That is seriously not normal (no pun intended__J__)_

_This is Sirius we're talking about. He's not normal. The minute he tries to act normal he's sue to be up to something._

_Hmmmm…_

**I'm back. I'm sure you missed me. **

_Funnily enough, I don't think we did._

**Wormy, my boy, you missed me didn't you. ****(I'd think about your buttock, if I were you. And the other one)**

_We did. Course we did. We could not not miss you. _

**Now, Wormy, are you going to help me ****(Think about your buttock)**

_Can we steer the conversation from Peter's buttock? Not exactly the best topic, if you ask me._

**But, no one was asking you, so shut up. Peter?**

_I'll help. I must be crazy._

**It is good to be crazy. Remy-poo?**

_No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No._

**I kind of get the point.**

_No, you don't. not yet, anyway. _

_No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, NO!_

**Believe me, Remus. What I am about to do will make you agree. And then I'll do it every lesson, if you don't.**

_That's blackmail_

**Shut up, and be glad you still have your buttock.**

_Despite myself, I am vaguely intrigued_

Sirius pulled out his wand. He pointed it first at Remus, then at Peter, and muttered something. Then at himself.

Peter and Remus stared at one another in shocked and slightly amused horror.

Their faces were bright red. They were blushing, both due to nature and the charm.

"Sirius-"

Sirius pointed at Professor McGonagall (with his wand), and suddenly, her desk turned into a rubber chicken.

She stood up furiously, her mouth a grim line. "Who did this? I want them to own up now!" Her eyes fell on Sirius, Remus and Peter, who all were bright red. "It was you? Mr. Lupin, I expected better from you. You all have detention with me for a month."

Remus glared at Sirius. "I'll help."


	4. Meetings and Plans

James was still depressed

"Alright, men. We are here to discuss ways and means of making James feel better and forget Lilly. So, any ideas?"

They were in the Gryffindor Common Room. James had departed earlier to the Library. However, why he needed his broomstick was obviously a good question.

Remus looked up from his homework. "Ideas? What ideas? We didn't want to do this in the first place, remember?"

Sirius paused, trying to think of a comeback. Then he used an age-old favourite. "Shut up."

"Whatever. Sirius, I know that you're doing this for James, and, no matter how much we feel sorry for him, it is natural. Everyone gets depressed at times, even me-"

Peter frowned. You do get depressed. When you don't have your chocolate, and when it's the day before the full moon and-"

"Irrelevant. Maybe we should just… you know, leave him, Padfoot. Padfoot? Sirius? What are you doing?"

Sirius was rummaging through his bag, muttering slightly to himself.

Peter and Remus shared a look. They had always known he was insane, but this was just a bit beyond the limit.

"Found it," Sirius yelled triumphantly, earning himself glares from the seventh years, who were trying to study.

"Sirius, what…"

"This my fiends, is the answer to all our problems."

"fiend? Who, my dear Padfoot, are you calling a fiend?" Remus pretended mock shock

Sirius didn't look in the slight perturbed. "Well, junior fiends. I am the almighty fiend GOD! Don't worry," he added snootily. "You'll get there some day."

Peter interrupted again. "Can we get on? I'm hungry"

Sirius sighed. "You're always hungry. Stop thinking about your stomach for a change. Though I am hungry… Anyway, this my friends, is a muggle device called a speaker. Muggles use it to make things louder, or something like that. So, I added a bit of what we may call, the Paddy touch. And voila! We have the most important device for aiding magical mischief makers. So-"

Remus interrupted. "What about the Marauder's Map?"

Sirius sighed. "Alright, after the Map"

Peter episodic. (A/N: I learnt a new word Go me!) "And the Invisibility Cloak?"

Sirius looked disgruntled. "Third. Let me continue! Alright. So, we use this to let the Slytherin table be heard. Loudly. And I mean very loud. So, I decided we use certain Slytherins, to make it more effective. So, I thought we should focus on certain Slytherins."

Remus frowned**. (A/N: If the guy does this any more, he's going to end up seriously wrinkled) ** "Let me guess. It wouldn't be Snape, Malfoy, Bellatrix and Narcissa, by any chance?

Sirius shrugged. "What's wrong with them? They're perfect, aren't they? Well, perfectly hapless and idiotic, yes."

Remus smiled, mildly. "Which would explain why Bellatrix is better at Potions than you."

Sirius looked as if he was about to get up and strangle Remus. Any mention of his cousin beating him at something would instantly send him into a towering fury.

Peter looked fed-up. "Get on with it, Padfoot. Moony, stop interrupting him."

Sirius glanced at him, taking in his bored features, and instantly knew that the Cheer-Up-James party would be one member less soon. Or probably two. "Right. Well, I thought we could slip some of Slughorn's potion into their Slytherin food. And-"

"How do you get it into it?"

Sirius waved this probable-future-problem away with a wave of his hand. "Do not bother me with irksome details, Moony. I am a grand master-plotter, and what I say goes. I will think of a general idea first, and then you two can worry about your tedious and insignificant details. Then, I shall stand up gracefully from the Gryffindor table, and then I shall majestically roar, like a proud and eminent lion, questions at them. Starting with some of their rather childish pranks, which, compared to ours, seem like they are light years away from becoming as great as us, the Marauders!"

Remus and Peter shared a look. "Yes, you're right," Remus commented dryly. There was no point arguing with him, when he got into one of those moods. "But, how will this cheer Prongs up? It's more like it's cheering you up. Including the fact to show off to Mary."

"Won't James be happy to see his worst enemies humiliated in front of the whole school?"

"Right, men. The meeting is now over."


End file.
